I am often asked where they go. When we lose a loved one who has decided to take their life for no apparent reason it is hard to understand their side of the story, I know. I have been there. I also wondered for a long time if I had completed the task of suicide where would I have gone. Many people have asked me the same question. They want to know about their loved ones. They want to know why they did it. Most of them cannot understand why.
I myself wanted to die. I prepared myself. Yes, I thought about it for a long time. I thought about my children, but I think it is some kind of sickness. You just cannot put into words, that feeling that comes in, but it does. I planned the day it would happen. I made sure the children were looked after for the day. I made sure my nightclothes had been ironed properly; the house was clean and tidy and all the pills I had saved over the months were now in my hand. Did I have a choice? I just did it. I remember closing my eyes. I was looking forward to somewhere different.
It was the smell that came first, the smell of flowers. I could hear things in the background.That were quite annoying to me, like things were being dropped into a tray, people’s voices shouting. One particular voice kept coming in and out. “We have lost her again.” That same person was placing something very heavy on my chest. I felt a huge shake-up in my body, and then I was standing there watching. I watched the machine being put on my chest time and time again. I watch them looking at the machine above. I listen to the nurse asking me, “Please hold on”. I saw that teardrops started to fall down her cheeks. I remember asking them; “please let me go”, again and again, “please let me go”. But they were not listening.
Once again the smell of flowers was getting stronger. It was the sweetest smell you could ever imagine. You feel yourself trying to remember the familiar smell of a flower; where the smell was similar and the next moment you feel such love. There was so much compassion and love now that was pulling me away. I felt myself slowly rising, but not going up. Not going down, but going all around to have a wider view or to see things in a wider space. It is difficult to explain. It felt like someone holding out their arms to me. It was so strong. All you want to do is go into them and lose yourself into so much love and compassion.
The feeling of love kept calling me and calling me. I willingly went towards it. I could never forget that feeling of so much love around me. Then all of a sudden everything stopped and just for a split second, I was left there. Then I heard a beautiful gentle voice telling me “You must go back Pamela, you must go back”. I pleaded with all my heart and soul “Please do not send me back”. In the next second, I could feel something pulling me back and with a jolt I was back. I found myself back on the table. I heard the doctor say “she will be okay now, let her rest there for a while”.
I remember the tears falling down my cheeks in buckets. The nurse just looked at me and said, “I am so sorry”. I don’t know why, but I feel that somewhere in her life she had felt the same as I had. But now I can answer the question so many people asked me “where do the people go who have committed suicide? I take a deep breath and say,” To find peace you could never imagine, with so much love, it would be unbelievable to comprehend. Then special people come and take them to a special place where love and compassion is the healing for all our grievances. They look after them with so much love and compassion, and then they are greeted by special people with special understanding. They stay with them until they are strong enough to go on with their lives.
It is strange in a way, most of them tell me they actually volunteer to bring over the ones who commit suicide. They tell me they know what it feels like and are the best ones to help them over. “Please do not worry about your loved ones, and never blame yourself. It was their decision right or wrong,” they told me. “They did not believe it was permanent.
It was just a pull of discontentment at that moment in time. And the choice was theirs.”
By Pam McCagh